Why do cant I forget you

Since you seem to have forgotten me so easily

I wish I could still carress you soft face

Kiss you sweet pouty lips

Tell you all of sadness of losing you

I want you back in my arms

I long to hold you close again

Craving to hear you say that you miss me, love me, and for you to call me baby again

Missing your soft hands that used to caress my neck as you kissed me

Why did we have to go wrong?

Emptiness is all I have

I feel like I can't love anyone else now that Ive lost you

I set out to talk to you, yet you never put forth effort to talk to me

Why can't we love each other again..

I never stopped...

 Ugh, theres just been so much happening in my life lately and unfortunately not much of it has been very good.  I guess I can be thankful because there for a while atleast I was having a great time so I guess every once in a while you have to have a low to keep up the balance of things.  well recently my on and off again ex bf chris and I have ended all ties to each other, now we actually aren't even speaking.  Of course I am very sad and depressed about it but I suppose I will just have to start at the beginning. 
      Well about 8 months ago during my freshman year of college things unfortunately weren't going well with my ex bf CJ of 2 yrs.  He had been lying and acting cruel to me for 5 months before our breakup but I held on because I loved him so much and I thought we could get through it, but in the end I had to end it for my emotional sake.  Of course I was devastated because I thought that we were going to get married since CJ was my highschool sweetheart, foolish I know, but those were my thoughts. Then I found out he had lied about meeting with this girl behind my back and I mean he REALLY lied like 15 times to my face before he admitted it.  He haden't cheated on me or anything, but just the fact that he felt the need to lie about me after being with my for 2 yrs, well it was just the last straw.  So we broke up.  That year I had had a Intro to Mass Com  class and I met this awkward yet incredibly sweet and funny guy Chris,  we had been talking for a while just as friends and he gave me support while I was going through my breakup.  About a month after CJ and my relationship had ended he asked me out to dinner and I said yes.  We had been hanging out quite frequently and so I thought hey why not I haden't dated since the breakup and thought it would be a good idea.  So the date came and he took me to this really nice resteurant called Gingers, we ate chinese food and he taught me how to use chop sticks lol.  He even tried to feed me some sushi and totally missed my mouth lol its funny to think back on now.  Then we went back to his room and it became very tense, I could tell that he wanted to kiss me but was just afraid to.  He even used cheesy phrases like "You comfy?" (places his arm around me) "how about now?" hahahaha it was so corny yet cute I just had to totally adore him.   I mean I cant blame him though he was 21 at the time and he hadent dated anyone for over 2 yrs.  Then we had a VERY AWKWARD kiss and it wasent me lol it was terrible he like ate my face!!! However the next time we kissed it got waaaaaay better.  It was so funny I had to make fun of him for months for that lol.   So eventually we became officially bf and gf and so on. 
      However, chris was always very hot N cold.  Sometimes he would get mad at me for no good reason, or he would ignore me for no good reason.  We had a way rocky few months which resulted in me not feeling comfortable in a comitted relationship anymore, yet I fell so much in love with him that I didnt want us to not see each other at all so I just said we could date instead of the bf gf title, cuz it just caused so much drama.  Yet that always didnt last long and i would be with him once again.  He just didnt realize how he did things and how it would effect me.  But im not gonna get into all the detail with that.   WAAAAAAAAY long story short.  This summer we havent been officially together but we were dating and physical.  I had so much love for him and he told me that he loved me to,  then all of sudden he says I dont want us to see each other anymore,  I think its best for you, because I am no good for you.   IT completely broke my heart. I mean I felt so used and dirty and just confused, because I thought he loved me...  Then my friend died, my cat got sick,  I felt so alone, and just so much other crap that piled on all at once.  I didnt know what to do and I still dont.  Sometimes I really just feel like I would be better off dead.  I know that wont solve anything and I dont want to die but the pain just gets so hard sometimes that I just feel like theres no escaping and I feel like I am going to explode.  The worst of this happened this past weds when I came home from a 4 day vacation.  Chris had told me that he was going to call and text me but 4 days past and nothing. I came home and tried talking to him, but he said hold on my dad is calling and I need to talk to him, which I totally understood I mean come on its his dad.  But then 2 and half hrs past... and I was confused?  I was about ready to go to bed and I hadent gotten a chance to talk to him so I was upset so I sarcastically wrote " wow it was really nice talking to you chris after not hearing from you for 4 days."   the he was like  I was talking to my dad and I was just like 2 and half hrs?  That was just unbelievable to me because I mean he always says that hes not a phone person and that he never talks for long on the phone.   So I said ok well thats fine, but that doesnt cover why you never called or texted me the entire 4 days I was gone after you said you would.   He of course tried to give me lame excuses and tried to say "well I said I would try to call you"  and I was just like "TRY" to call me?  Wow gee 4 days you sure tried real hard lol.  I mean I was so tired, upset, and angry from all that I had been through I just couldnt take it anymore and I told him exactly how I had been feeling.  I mean I love him but I just couldnt let him treat me like that anymore.  I just cant.   And of course he just couldnt  talk to me so totally JR. HIGH he blocked me on aim? lol wtf?  A 22 yr old me blocks ppl on aim? woooow seriously come on.  Be a man and face the music, face what you did and admit that you need to sorry.  Its ridiculous and now we I guess are no longer friends.  My wonderfully sweet and amazing guy and I are no more, no friendship, he shows no love for me,  and doesnt even talk to me.   
     I mean what did I do?  I loved him, I tried to please him.  I mean he gave me hell because I just wanted to hear his voice once a day. I mean if you are hrs away from someone and you dont see them often during the summer wouldnt you want to hear your guys voice ?   But for some reason he just couldnt understand that.  He just never appreciated my love and I just wonder was it all worth it?   Should I have never agreed to that first date?   His friends are probably completely brain washed against me.  He probably made me out to be some big demanding obsessive person which I am sooooo not.   All I wanted was to be happy and to make him happy.  I loved him, and always tried to do things like cook for him when I visited, do special things that I cant mention  on livejournal lol ,  and even go and hang out with his friends.  ohwell.  I cant do anything to change things now.  I just wish I could have a do-over. ohwell, Ill always love him so much, even though he obviously doesnt care about me anymore.  It sucks, I mean sometimes I wish I could have his personality so I could just forget about him like he is doing to me, but I really care about him.  I guess thats just the difference between us, and Ill have to try to deal with things. But I cant help that I love him. 

 

ugh... well already Ive woken up and I'm not feeling well.   My nose is all sniffly, my eyes are kind of burning, and I just flat out feel depressed.  Then it didn't help to go to my computer and see that he was on but of course even though he fed me all this bullshit that he does love me, cares about me, he was ending things with me because it was best for me because he said that I deserved better than him BLAH BLAH BLAH etc.  Its just such bs if he really cared then why hasent he called to check up on me?  Or why hasent he imed me or sent me a simple text?   Why do guys feel the need to lie to me?  I just feel completely empty and heartbroken.  In a way I don't regret our past relationships, but right now I am just so angry.  Im so angry that in a way I just want to regret and erase what happened between us because I just have this tainted feeling.  Like I wish he never touched me, and that we had never gone out.  Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better all along if I just would have worked things out with my ex and just got engaged in the winter like he was planning to ask me.  I know that wouldn't have been a good idea of course, because I am to young to be engaged and the relationship with my ex at that time wasen't goin very well.   I just don't know what to do anymore.  I hate him so much right now, I just have this horrible angry feeling when it comes to him and I just wish he didn't exist. I just know something else is up with him, I dont believe that he has told me the whole story of why he doesnt want to see me anymore.  Im so tired of the lies.  I really gave him everything of me after I had broken up with my ex of  2 1/2 years, I really thought the new guy in my life was a good guy.  Yet now here I am 6 and half months later with nothing to show for it, but my totally empty self.   I don't feel like I have the energy to love anyone anymore.  I dont feel like I am ever going to meet the right guy for me.   I just feel likes its to much to ask for a good guy these days...  I just dont feel happiness like I used to ..  I dont know what to do